


Again (and again, and again, and again)

by Sad_Pawn



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Aphrodisiacs, Asexual Character, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Crying, Dehumanization, Dissociation, Drugs, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Humiliation, Hurt No Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Manipulation, Masochism, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Sadism, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Loop, Torture, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-18 09:55:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sad_Pawn/pseuds/Sad_Pawn
Summary: His wrists throbbed with pain caused by his constant struggling. His throat hurt from the endless yelling and sobbing. His face itched, covered with dried blood, snot and tears. His knees were bruised from kneeling and violent crawling. His stare… was empty.Aka Subaru suffers a lot because oh man, i just love to see him suffer.





	1. Realization number...

His wrists throbbed with pain caused by his constant struggling. His throat hurt from the endless yelling and sobbing. His face itched, covered with dried blood, snot and tears. His knees were bruised from kneeling and violent crawling. His stare… was empty.

 

* * *

 

“You serious? This wimp?”

Pain. Throbbing, unrelenting pain.

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it as well. But it’s boss’ orders.”

Darkness. Choking, overwhelming darkness.

“Well, I guess these days you can’t really ever know by just looking. He could be a powerful mage or something.”

Did he die again? No, couldn’t be, he remembered his last save spot. He should be back in the mansion. Nothing should be hurting this bad.

“Is it really safe to just chain him like this then?”

_Sudden realization number one – there is something on my head._

_Sudden realization number two – this something is choking me!_

“Don’t worry, they restrict magic quite nicely. And I personally checked him for spirits when he got knocked out. The brat’s hopeless”

He needed to get it off! His breath quickened, enhancing the choking sensation. He reached for his head, but…

“Look, he’s awake!”

_Sudden realization number three – I can’t move my arms._

_Sudden realization number four – I’m… kneeling…?_

“Let the boss know, I’ll watch over him.”

It took Subaru quite a while to become fully conscious. His head throbbed with pain overwhelmingly and his mind felt really fuzzy. 'Thankfully', a sudden and powerful kick to his side woke him up completely. Seconds after his eyes burned when an unforeseen brightness hit him. He narrowed them almost immediately though, thanks to what he could freely observe his surroundings in practically no time.

He was in a something of a stone cell. The air felt very heavy and cold, so Subaru quickly deduced that he was most likely located underground. In normal circumstances, it’d probably be extremely dark in there, but at the moment it was well illuminated by a lamp held by a man standing in front of him.

_Sudden realization number five – there’s someone in here with me?_

There wasn’t much distinguishable about the man besides his large frame. He was wearing very plain, black clothes. Subaru couldn’t see his face that clearly, but he was fairly certain that the other’s expression was as disgusting as his odor. Or was it just the cell’s odor? Or maybe… his?

_Sudden realization number six – I’m chained to a wall?_

It hit him pretty hard. Panic raised in his chest again, as he finally felt the cold kiss of metal cuffs around his wrists. How hopeless was he actually?

“Yeah boy, that’s the face. The expression of utter despair, how lovely.”

Natsuki yet again directed his attention towards the man, as the other snickered at the sight of his helpless expression. A shiver ran down his spine, but he quickly snapped himself back and grinned. Yes, he was terrified on the inside, but nothing good could ever come from showing that, he already learned as much.

“Despair? Yeah, I love it as well. I’m sure your ugly snout will look great painted with it!”

“You worthless pig, don’t forget yourself. Do you want to die?” The man seemed to lose his composure, as he grabbed Subaru by his hair, bashing his head against the cold, stone wall behind him.

_Sudden realization number seven – fuck, this hurts a lot._

Subaru should have died enough times to get accustomed to all sorts of pain, but for some reason, everything would always hurt as bad every time.

“We’ll see who’s the pig here when you squeal for mercy at my feet.” The boy snickered, spitting blood at the man. He wasn’t sure how it got in his mouth in the first place, but it wasn’t his main concern at the moment. He had a bad feeling about this and he needed to get out now. His usual routine would always mainly consist of gathering as much information as possible, maybe even finding a way out of the situation, but this time he was in a hurry. Emilia was in danger and estimating he was out cold for longer than an hour, there was probably no chance for him to save her in this timeline. He also knew that this group of people couldn’t possibly have anything to do with it, as the last catastrophe definitely wasn’t caused by anything close to even resembling a human. In short – he needed to restart as soon as possible.

“What did you say, you filth? I’ll fucking kill you!” The giant bastard reached for the ax strapped to his back, furious with Subaru’s words.

The boy swallowed silently, closed his eyes and clenched his fists, readying himself. The sensation of dying was never a pleasant one, especially if it came to slow death like starvation or drowning. Fortunately, this should be quick enough. Hopefully just one blow.

It never came. What came instead was deep, authoritarian voice.

“Put that down, Cornel. Can’t you see that’s what he wants you to do?”

Subaru was confused. He opened his eyes quickly, scanning the room again.

_Sudden realization number eight – shit, there is more of them._

Hell, he probably should’ve expected that. He even heard two voices back when he was half unconscious. What were they talking about again? Something about magic, and spirits and… _boss_? Well, he guessed that the large, man standing at the entrance of the cell (which for some reason he hadn’t noticed before) must’ve been the owner of this new voice, and, consequentially, _the boss_ they were talking about previously.

The first bastard seemed as if he was about ready to lash out, but instead, he put the ax down, deciding to kick him right in the stomach instead. The boy spat out even more blood on the impact. By now he managed to realize that it was filling his mouth because of his tongue that he must’ve bitten when the goon bashed his head against the wall. On one hand, he was happy none of his organs were damaged, on the other… he really did need to die.

As he was deep in thoughts and struggling to not choke on his blood (honestly, he probably should try to do the opposite, but his gag reflex told him otherwise), he didn’t notice _the boss_ stepping closer to him. Well, at least until the other roughly grabbed his hair, making the boy look up at him.

Up close the man looked even more threatening. He was a lot taller than the first bastard, and even though he looked a tiny bit skinnier, there was no doubt in Subaru’s mind that he was an incredibly skilled fighter. His facial features were extremely sharp. His vivid green eyes seemed to be piercing Subaru’s soul. The teenage felt drops of sweat appear on his forehead and his breathing quickened tenfold. He couldn’t stop himself from looking away after just few seconds. Soon after the other let go of his head and the boy let it fall down freely. Even after such a short exchange of glances, he felt incredibly exhausted, from reasons he couldn’t possibly comprehend. One thing was certain – that man was dangerous.

“It’s him. The only person that can foil our plans.”

 _The boss’_ laughter forced Subaru to look up again. His priorities seemed to change drastically, as he quickly tried to form a new strategy. He needed to learn more about this group and their plans. If they were as frightening as the leader… The boy felt a shiver going down his spine. He had to find out more before the reset.

“Umm… boss? If he’s the only person who can do that, shouldn’t we kill ‘im?” The other bastard that came into the cell, presumably the one whose voice he heard when he was still only half conscious, stepped closer, looking at Natsuki with contempt.

At these words, _the boss_ started laughing even louder and he didn’t stop for an honest half a minute, caught in a laughing fit. It surprised everyone else in the cell to such an extent, that neither of them could even think about trying to say something.

“The only way to stop him is to keep him alive.” The large man finally stuttered through his laughter. “Because this boy doesn’t seem to be able to die!”

Subaru completely froze at these words. He felt his throat turn completely dry, despite the remains of the blood from his injured tongue still stuck to its walls. His heart started beating incredibly fast, as his vision became hazy.

_Sudden realization number nine – someone knows about Return by Death?_

His confusion and fear must’ve completely overwrite his face, as _the boss_ couldn’t do anything but start laughing again, presumably at his hopeless expression.

“He can’t die? What is that supposed to mean?” The other bastards seemed to be completely unaware of what the leader was talking about.

Before Subaru could calm down and process that information and really assess the situation, _the boss_ spoke again, finally able to stop his giggling.

“Whenever he dies, he starts again, from a near point in the past. You heard about bringing down the White Whale? He was the one that leaked the information about his next appearance. He knew it because he already died fighting it and came back!”

Subaru was a panicking mess by that point. How could anyone know of this ability? He never… he never told anyone. How…? How…?

“How…? How do you… how do you know that?!” Natsuki couldn’t stop himself, he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t U N D E R S T A N D. He felt himself struggling against his bonds violently. Tears of rage started streaming down his face. He needed to know. How… how could that pig know that when he could never tell anyone about this? He couldn’t tell Emilia, or Rem, or Beatrice, even Puck. How?!

“It’s quite simple, honestly.” _The boss_ didn’t seem to be surprised by the boy’s outburst at all. If Subaru could only focus and think straight for one second, he could’ve even noticed that the man seemed to derive a twisted sense of pleasure from observing his behavior. “I had suspicions about you. Everywhere you’d go, the victory would follow. You had knowledge of events that you shouldn't be ever able to obtain. So I had my men check out your memories."

“My… memories…? My… my… my memories.” Subaru mumbled under his breath. It really… was this easy? How could he… how could he never think of that? He knew that spells of that sort existed in this world, heck, he’d even seen them used a couple of times. How did he…

“Of course at first we couldn’t really decipher what the hell was sitting in your head. Honestly, my first guess was that new memories had been poorly imprinted over some important info. But the more we observed you and the more we checked your background… well, we finally managed to figure it out, didn’t we?”

Subaru nodded absent-mindedly. Of course, if he had any remains of sane thought he would probably try to deny everything, to try to make some lie on the spot, because he was positive that these people knowing about his powers were bad news. Terrible news.

“Shit, is that really true? Then I guess it’s really good we haven’t killed him, huh?” The first thug finally woke up from disbelief. If Subaru cared to notice, he would probably be extremely surprised by the level these people trusted their leader’s judgment. “Or have we? Hey, kid, were you stupid enough to get caught in our trap a second or even third time? How many times did we kill you before?”

Subaru looked up with an empty stare. All words froze in his throat, as his mind raced to find some kind exit, some way to escape this predicament. And then he remembered.

Emilia…

Emilia was in danger. He needed to reset, he needed to save her. Or maybe it wasn’t yet too late in this timeline? Maybe he could try to do it now, maybe…

“I’ll kill you.” At first, it was just a silent promise.

“What are you talking about, Cornel?” The second bastard didn’t seem to catch up on the details and mechanics of the situation nearly as quickly as the first one. “I don’t under…”

“I’ll kill you.” This time it was audible and he successfully managed to catch the attention of the group.

“I’ll fucking kill you, I’ll slaughter you, let me go right now, you pigs!” Before he knew it, the boy was yelling, his wrists cracking as he suddenly lashed forward, aiming to bite _the boss_ in his rage. “You’ll beg for my forgiveness, but no, you won’t be excused, you’ll all burn in hell!”

He did manage to scrape _the boss’_ tight before he was kicked in the stomach again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       a

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               g

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       a

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              i

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    n.

It hurt. As much as he tried to convince himself that it didn’t, he just couldn’t. Warm, thick blood flooded his mouth again, this time definitely coming from the depths of his throat. He started coughing continuously, and all he wanted to do was just to curl up in himself and stop this pain somehow because even in the light of his many gruesome deaths, this still hurt like hell. It hurt so much he was only barely able to register _the boss’_ words.

“Bring in Erno so he can fix him up, we can’t have him die. Oh, and be sure to let everyone know that if any of them lets him die, I will personally execute him and his whole family. He is too important, so don’t let your guard down for even a second.”

_Sudden realization number ten – I’m fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter. I hope i'll be able to update this story soon ^-^ Please let me know if you have any particular forms of suffering you'd like to see, because even tho I have overall narrative in my head, this fanfic can be a great playground for torturing Subaru in various ways, so let me know if you're interesting in something beyond the current tags.


	2. The warning

In his new life in this unfamiliar world, waking up became a huge gamble for Subaru. Every time he was to open his eyes, he was faced with the possibility that he wasn't waking from sleep but from a gruesome death.

This time, however, all signs were pointing to the fact that no, he hadn't died yet. The first of them was the incredible pain in his abdomen. The second was the stream of freezing water poured on his face that had woken him up. The third – a question.

 "Hey, you alive?"

Subaru's eyes flew open and he started coughing, as the cold water made way into his nose. He looked around his surroundings in confusion mixed with a slight twinge of panic. The sight of the cell illuminated by weak, flickering light made his memories flood back and he visibly shuddered.

_I guess they didn't beat me to death._

Mostly conscious Natsuki finally directed his attention towards the presumed owner of the question.

It was a young man. Although he was shorter than him, he seemed to be a bit older than Subaru, probably because of how tired his eyes looked. His light blue hair was quite long, reaching slightly beyond his waistline. He was wearing something that could only be described as a long, plain, black gown. Features of his face were rather soft and he had a pleasant expression as he continued to spray Subaru with freezing water.

"Hey, stop tha..." The boy tried to lash out, but he was quickly silenced by the water filling his mouth and making him choke.

The other's smile widened significantly.

"So you are alive! That's good, boss would be really mad at me if you weren't." The older male proceeded to spray Subaru with water for few more excruciatingly long seconds before he finally stopped.

It took Natsuki additional couple of moments to stop coughing, shake off the leftover drops of water from his face and realize one very crucial fact.

_I'm naked!_

Okay, so that might have been an exaggeration. The truth was that the only thing that Subaru was currently missing was his hoodie and t-shirt. Still, the awareness that he was half naked in front of someone who clearly had very bad intentions towards him, with the addition of how cold his bare torso was starting to feel made his skin crawl. The situation wasn’t good. Honestly, it was actually rather bad. Emilia in this timeline was probably already… Subaru shook his head – that’s not important right now. No, his first priority should be getting out of this predicament. Either through death or escape, it didn’t matter much, as he could always reset the timeline when he was free again. There was just one, small problem.

_How do I escape?_

Subaru needed more info. He needed to learn all he could and develop a strategy based on that. He needed to remain calm and think of a plan. He’d done it countless times before, and he wasn’t about to give up this time.

“Why is my shirt off?” The boy said calmly. He was pleasantly surprised and proud of how he managed to remain calm and think clearly. He had to admit – he had been getting better at it with each new death.

“Ah, right!” The other smiled a bit sheepishly, a slight blush of embarrassment appearing on his cheeks. “I had to take it off to heal your stomach.”

“Bullshit!” Subaru didn’t feel healed at all. Everything, including his guts, still hurt terribly. “I’ve been healed before – I know you can do it through clothes without any problems.”

“Well…” The older man sighed. “Being honest, I’m not that great at healing magic, so I always have to cut up people before I do it – feeling their bloodstream helps a lot.”

Confused, Natsuki looked down and, well, there it was – long, horizontal scar running through his entire front, just a bit below the belly button.

“Yeah, really sorry about that, but I had to stop the internal bleeding.” He offered an apologizing smile. “I couldn’t do much more, tho.”

Subaru wasn’t sure how he felt. The other seemed truly apologetic. Actually, he just seemed like a kind person in general. Maybe if he managed to play his cards right, he would even let him go?

“What’s your name?”

The question woke up the younger man from his thoughts. Should he answer? Could they do something bad with this knowledge? No, wait, they probably already knew anyway, so this shouldn’t be an issue. And he really needed to bond with the other.

“I’m Natsuki Subaru. You?”

“Just Erno, I guess.”

“What are you doing in this band? I didn’t expect someone so young in it.” Subaru decided to try to keep Erno talking as long as he could. Half because he needed to gather information, the other half to made the other trust and like him.

“Heh.” Erno chuckled softly, but his expression became a bit less cheerful. “I’ve been here since I was a lot younger. My dad was a member. I can barely remember him – he died when I was still very little. After that, the other members took care of me, and now I became a member myself.”

Crap, that didn’t sound great. The other male seemed to have a lot older and stronger connection to the group than Subaru initially hoped. It could be very hard to convince him to betray it.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He looked at Erno with forced commiseration. “I haven’t seen my parents in a while as well.”

The other looked at Natsuki and kept his sight on him for so long that droplets of sweat appeared on his forehead. It was really hard to keep his composure under such intense gaze, and the fact that his body was still wet and, consequentially, freezing cold, didn’t help him either. Finally, the older male sighed.

“I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Pardon?”

“I won’t let you go.” Erno rubbed his temple with something that presumably was irritation, looking down at the captive.

Subaru swallowed loudly. Shit, were his motives really that transparent? Fuck, he can’t waste his chance like that, he needs to say something.

“I don’t know what you’re tal…”

“Don’t play dumb. Did you really think that anyone would fall for such a simple trick? To be honest, I feel kind of offended.” He squatted next to Subaru, who was still kneeling on the floor, with his arms pinned to the wall and his ankles bound together, what he previously didn’t notice. “The fact that I act cheerful and try to be nice to people doesn’t make me stupid, you know?”

“I… I never thought that!” Natsuki ensured quickly. “I just wanted to get to know you a little better, since you seemed like a nice p…”

Subaru was stopped dead in tracks as Erno slapped him. It wasn’t particularly hard and it definitely couldn’t compare with anything else he experienced today, but it caught him completely off gourd.

“I’m gonna give you some advice kid – don’t try to lie here, because it’ll only end badly for you. Trust me, there are many things that they could do to you that are worse than death.”

Subaru felt himself giggle silently. In the perspective of what he'd already gone through, he doubted there was anything they could do to him that he hadn’t already experienced in a hundred times more painful way.

The older male slowly shook his in disapproval at the sight of Subaru’s quiet amusement.

“Well, don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you.” He turned away from the captive and seconds later he was gone.

Subaru briefly considered calling after him, but in the end decided against it. Instead, he started looking around, searching for a way out, as he finally had a moment alone. There didn’t seem to be any obvious escape routes. Shackles were sturdy, they didn’t budge at all when he struggled. The chain had a minimal length, so there was no way boy could strangle himself with it. He couldn’t get up as well, with how his legs were positioned. There were only two… wait, three possible ways of escape, and neither seemed pleasant or reliable.

  1. Biting his artery and bleeding to death.
  2. Smashing his head against the wall enough times to die from blood loss or brain damage.
  3. Starve or die of thirst.



Option number one seemed too easy to recover from, number two seemed incredibly painful and number three would definitely take the most time. Subaru sighed. He really didn’t like any of these options, but he couldn’t really wait for a miracle to just happen. Finally, he decided to try the option number one.

It turned out to be a lot harder than he expected. Climbing on his knees, he could barely reach his elbow. He knew that artery must’ve been there somewhere and right now he was regretting he skipped school so many times. Finally, he settled on the inside on his elbow.

A new issue emerged almost immediately, as he soon discovered that no, his stupid brain wouldn’t let him bite himself nearly hard enough. Still, he must’ve struggled for more than an hour, trying to cut his skin in some way. All his efforts were wasted, however, and finally, he had to give up. He let himself hang on his arms for a while, resting and catching his breath. His neck hurt from the way he was turning his head for so long. Sweat covered his forehead and dripped down to the bare floor.

Short break quickly transformed into a long break which quickly transformed into sleep. Of course, Subaru tried to fight his tiredness, but for some reason, his eyelids seemed just so incredibly heavy, that he couldn’t do anything but prolong the inevitable.

It really wasn't good.


	3. Blood, spit and the tube

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this not is kinda important and you should read it.  
> I'm that kind of person that always overthinks everything in fics too much and dumps tons of exposition every time i possibly can. However, since this is fic i'm writing purely for fun, i decided to turn my compulsive behaviors down. Because of that, no, i won't explain what happened to Subaru's physiological needs. Create your own headcanon about it, because i don't want to write tons of exposition of some bs explanation.  
> Having said that, i hope you'll enjoy this chapter ^-^

Pitch black darkness – that’s what Subaru awakened to. It confused him greatly at first. The feeling didn’t last long, however, as he quickly deduced that the cause of the change in his surroundings was the burning out of the lamp. However, learning the reason calmed his nerves only slightly and he still couldn’t manage to steady his breath. To take his mind off the growing panic, he decided to resume his struggles.

* * *

 

The place was definitely bruised by now. He couldn’t feel his legs. He needed to rest.

* * *

 

His neck throbbed with pain. His throat was completely dry. At some point, he started coughing violently. His eyelids became heavy.

* * *

 

Was it that his chest became weaker or did the air turn very heavy all of a sudden? He couldn’t do much as he had to focus on breathing. Tiredness overcame him quickly.

* * *

 

What was he doing again? Right, right, he needed to die. Why was it so hard to focus?

* * *

 

He didn’t manage to do much work this time either. His arm didn’t even hurt anymore – it became completely numb.

* * *

 

Taste of copper. Warm liquid dripping down his upper arm. Did he succeed? Can he finally rest?

* * *

 

“Wake up!”

_Ugh, what’s going on?_

“Come on, I don’t have all day.”

The decision to open his eyes was one of the worst in his entire lifetime, as he was blinded immediately. His, accustomed to the darkness, eyes watered slightly when he saw light for the first time in what felt like forever. Before they managed to get used to it, Subaru felt something cold touch his lips. Instinctively he turned his head away.

“Relax, it’s just water.”

The chilly object touched his lips again, but he turned away again. Slowly, he started to distinguish his surroundings. He was still in the same place, and in front of him stood a similar figure.

“Honestly, don’t make me force it down your throat.” Erno’s tone of voice was slowly becoming more annoyed. “Just drink it.”

The captive thought about refusing again, but quickly enough he realized that yes, forcing him to drink was just too easy and resisting would only be futile. That’s why, when the rim of the pitcher touched his lips again, he obediently started to drink. It wasn’t hard to give in, as he really was incredibly thirsty. In no time the boy started to swallow the cold liquid eagerly. The water worked wonders on his tired and confused mind, and thanks to it he managed to bring himself to rest of his senses fairly quickly. That’s when he remembered.

His right arm was terribly bruised. There were countless bite-marks varied in color and size everywhere. A thin stream of dried blood also decorated his skin, but it wasn’t nearly as big as Subaru hoped it would be.

“Wow, you really have some perseverance, gotta give you that.” Erno followed the captive’s eyes. Gently, he touched the small cut, which was already sealed with a scab. “But you're also kinda stupid.” The older male tapped the wound two times with his index finger.

Natsuki cringed as the spot briefly burned with pain. 

“What did you do?” He asked quietly.

“Just disinfected it, that’s all.” Erno smiled at him. “We really can't have you dying, you know?” He turned around for a second and Subaru thought he would leave again, but instead the other only retrieved something from behind his back and sat down in front of him.

‘Something’ turned out to be a small bowl. Subaru hadn’t noticed it before, but the older male must’ve brought quite a few items with him, as there was a heap of all kinds of things lying on the floor now. He didn’t manage to take note of all of them though before he had to turn his attention back to Erno.

“I know it’s kinda silly, but I gotta feed you.” The man surprisingly looked a bit embarrassed, as he stirred the contents of the bowl with a pair of chopsticks. It seemed to be rice with some kind of dark brown sauce. As Erno brought it closer to him, Subaru couldn’t stop drool from gathering in his mouth. When was the last time he ate?

He almost swallowed the first portion of food offered to him without resisting, but thankfully he managed to realize what he was doing just in time to spit the meal on the floor. _Bad Subaru, you need to starve to death._ The flavor left on his tongue made his stomach growl, but he decided to ignore it.

“I’m not hungry.” He said calmly, looking back at the other. When he met his eyes, Subaru's heart skipped a few beats. Why did all the people there had such an intense gaze?

“Why do you gotta make my job harder?” Erno sighed, putting the bowl away. He turned to the pile of stuff and picked two more things from it – something resembling a rather thin, short, rubber hose and another pitcher.

Natsuki swallowed nervously. What was that guy planning? He couldn’t see contents of the dish, but he could take a guess, as the air was filled with the smell of cooked vegetables.

“You know, I’m actually being quite nice here, most others would just use violence to force you to eat.” The man said, almost as if to himself. “But I think that’s a waste of time and good food.” He smiled.

Before Subaru even registered any movement, something was forced into his mouth. He tried to turn away immediately, but the tight grip on his chin prevented him from movement. As he struggled to spit it out, the object traveled deeper into his throat. Subaru gagged, finally realizing that the thing invading his mouth was the rubber tube. He felt himself panic, as he was forced to desperately swallow around the intruder. In a futile attempt to do something, he bit on the hose, but it didn’t bring any results.

As Subaru tried to stop himself from throwing up, Erno tilted his head backward, so it was leaning against the wall.

“Calm down or you’ll hurt yourself.” He warned the captive when the other tried to throw his head around. To emphasize his point the older male moved the tube slightly deeper. “Do you want to know how far it can go?”

The boy couldn’t stop his body from shaking. His eyes watered from pain and feeling of pure wrongness. All of his attention was focused on not throwing up, as he was sure that he would be forced to swallow back down whatever came up. When the tube moved, he looked pleadingly in the Erno’s direction, trying to calm his body down as much as he could.

“Yeah, I know it’s unpleasant and I’m sorry about that, but you have to eat.” The older male frowned, looking down at Subaru with pity. He brought up the second pitcher to the end of the tube he was holding and started slowly pouring the green, thick substance inside. It moved down incredibly slowly and Natsuki could do nothing but watch it slide closer and closer to his mouth with disgust.

To be honest, the process of eating (if you could call it that) the mash wasn’t much worse than simply having a hose stuck in his throat, Natsuki noticed. It went in so deep that he could barely feel anything. He swallowed the substance automatically, and although he felt himself getting sick few times during the excruciatingly long process, in the end, he managed to keep down everything he was fed. And when the tube finally left his throat, he could finally breathe with something akin to relieve.

However, before he could truly relax, something new was forced into the boy’s mouth. At first, he panicked briefly, but he managed to calm down a little shortly, as he discovered that it was just a piece of cloth serving as a gag. Still, he looked up at Erno questioningly.

“To prevent you from throwing up and biting yourself.” The older male explained briefly, shrugging. He looked over Subaru as if to search for something else he could take care of. “Well, I guess I’ll be going now. You should try to catch some rest – someone else will be ‘taking care’ of you tomorrow and they might not be as nice as me.”

Natsuki nodded to confirm that he understood, but soon something important came to his mind.

“Ugh, uhh, mhyhre.” He mumbled through the cloth, looking down at his bare torso.

“What is… oh, right, I forgot to put your shirt back on last time.” Erno looked at Subaru apologetically. “But I can’t really put it on now, since you’re shackled and all. Hmmm…” The man looked at the pile and, after a few moments of thinking, picked up a thin blanket. He stepped closer to the captive whilst carrying it and shortly after the boy was wrapped neatly in the cozy material. “That should do the trick. Anything else you need?”

Subaru shook his head. His breath managed to calm down by now, but he still felt a little shook by the whole situation.

“I wish you well rest then.” Erno smiled one last time at Natsuki, finally leaving the room with the two pitchers, tube, the bowl filled with rice and, most important, the lamp.

Darkness decided to confront Subaru once again.


	4. Time

The next few days passed without any great revelations. Immediately after Subaru was left alone in the darkness, he spat out the gag with ease. It didn’t take him much time to will himself to throw up, as he recalled the disgusting feeling of having the tube stuck in his throat. After that, he resumed his struggles. He’d steadily bash his head against the wall behind him until the pain splitting his skull forced him to switch to biting his arm. All his awakened moments would be spent on either of these activities.

From time to time someone would come to give water and feed him. The boy decided to use these moments as a counter of the days he spent in captivity. It was always a different person each time and it didn’t take Subaru much time to stop paying attention to their faces. He didn’t refuse to eat again for the sake of forcing himself to throw up afterward. Neither of the people who visited him seemed to pay any mind to the puddle of vomit gathering next to the boy as well as to the steadily growing stream of blood dripping down his arm. In truth, they didn’t seem to react to anything. They would do nothing but stare when Subaru, tired and annoyed by how his work didn’t seem to bring any results, taunted and spat at them in hope that they’d get angry enough to smother (or at least injure) him.

Six days passed. Subaru has been growing more and more impatient. He started sacrificing some of his time to yell atop of his lungs, switching from cursing everything and everyone, asking to be let out, and promising he will kill each and one of them with his own hands. He wasn’t taking the lack of any meaningful human interactions well either. Left to itself, his mind decided to either imagine what happened to Emilia and how everyone was doing or to see the images of all his earlier lives and deaths.

He would cry during the worst of it. Slowly, the feeling of hopelessness was becoming more and more clear. His dreams, from the only time he could actually fully rest, transformed into a place of terror, as he watched himself fail again and again; as his loved ones accused him of being too weak; as he killed himself too many times to count; as he saw each and every timeline he left crumble to dust. Sleeping became a feared activity, and he would force himself to stay awake as long as he could. His body became utterly exhausted. His chin was covered in spit, half-digested food, and stomach acid, and most of the time he couldn’t even feel his limbs. If someone witnessed him like this, they’d probably take him as a complete wreck of a person.

The appalling stench of filth helped Subaru stay conscious a lot. The odor of vomit mixed with blood, snot, and sweat burned his nose. At times, he felt as if he just couldn’t breathe anymore, choking on the oppressive atmosphere. However, neither of people who’d ‘take care of him’ seemed to notice anything.

At some point, Natsuki started looking forward to their visits. Besides food and water, they’d inevitably bring some fresh air that the boy so desperately needed. The time he’d spend with them was also the only one he wouldn’t spend in complete, pitch black darkness. Of course, Subaru still hated all of them beyond any doubt, but being completely alone he hated many times more.

* * *

 

“Hey, wake up!”

Subaru was completely awake, he even noticed someone enter his cell, just decided to disregard them. Well, at least until he heard the familiar voice. He didn’t need to look up to learn who it belonged to, but he decided to do it anyway.

“Wow, you did a number on yourself.” The blue-haired man stood in the door of the cell. “You can barely breathe in here.”

Although Subaru felt almost glad that the other showed up (he hadn’t heard other’s human voices in so long), he chose not to show it. He turned his filth covered face to the side and attempted to twist his arm in a way that wouldn’t show the worst of the scars and bruises.

“You’re so cute, acting like that.”

Natsuki flinched a bit at the words – ‘cute’ was something that he’d never want to be called in this situation. Genuinely, it made him feel a bit disgusted.

He didn’t know if Erno noticed his reaction. There were noises of the other doing something around the cell: footsteps, quiet ‘thump’ of an object being dropped on the floor, and some less recognizable sounds.

“Hey, you wanna go out?”

The voice was so close that Subaru couldn’t do anything but to flinch again. He turned his head slightly just to see Erno bending over him with an enormous grin.

“Go… out?”He repeated slowly, squinting his eyes. This seemed promising… too promising.

“Yeah, go out.” The older male straightened himself. “You know, getting you out of here for a while.”

It sounded too advantageous to be true. It sounded like a miracle he desperately needed, as neither of his plans seemed to be working that great. Subaru focused.

“Why?” He asked, trying to keep his expression as natural as possible.

“Because you and this place stink,” Erno said with a shrug. “And it’s unhealthy to spend so much time inside.”

_Oh, so it’s about keeping me alive._

Seemingly understanding the motivation behind the offer, Subaru calmed down his mind.

“I’d like that then.” He nodded, trying to force a smile on his face, as to appease the other man. Furthermore, he did feel genuinely excited. _Finally, some ways to get out of this predicament._

“Okay then.” Erno didn’t waste any time unshackling the captive. As he was working, Subaru was developing a plan in his head. He didn’t know where they were exactly going and how restrained the other was planning to keep him, so he decided to opt to act as quickly as possible. The next question was ‘escape or death?’It wasn’t a hard one to answer, however. The boy knew too little about where he was, what was going on and how many more people and how close were they. That’s why he needed to kill himself here and there. 

As fast as Erno finished freeing his hands, Subaru jumped at him, grabbing his waist in a successful attempt to bring him to the floor. The next order of business was to hold him down long enough to find something to kill himself with. He didn’t have any time for that, however, as the moment when he shifted his eyes around, he received a kick in the chin. Before he managed to react, he had been trapped again, stuck between the floor and the other male, which was now sitting on his bare chest, successfully pinning the boy’s arms to the ground with just one palm.

“I’m not gonna say I feel betrayed, but I definitely am disappointed.” He said as Subaru started kicking his back in rage. These struggles didn’t seem to faze Erno in the slightest.

“Let me go you fucker, let me go now!”

“Don’t worry, I will in a second.” The man smiled almost menacingly. Supporting himself on his knees, he turned the other on his stomach, cuffing his arms behind his back with something resembling handcuffs. “Here you go.” He stood up.

Subaru didn’t expect that at all but didn’t intend to waste this opportunity. He immediately attempted to stand up, but (also immediately) failed, forgetting his legs were still bound.

“Need help?” Erno leaned over the boy, as the other started to continuously kick his legs.

Subaru was having none of it. This was his chance to do something and he sure as hell wasn’t planning to waste it. If he couldn’t bring Erno down, he just had to off himself with him interfering, no big deal. He started rolling over to the side quickly, attempting to reach the gathering of the few objects (a pitcher with water, not-so-white piece of cloth, chain and something that Subaru couldn’t recognize). If he acquired something, even just the smallest shard of glass or anything pointy, he could kill himself with ease. It wasn’t given to him to find something like that, however, as Erno blocked his path in less than a second.

“Stop rolling around in this filth.” He had grabbed the boy by his shoulders and pulled him up before he had even a slight chance to resist. Subaru attempted tackling him once again, but Erno evaded the attack, catching him before he could tumble again and pressed him, face first, to the wall. Taking a hold of the handcuffs, he retreated a bit. “Now, let’s go!”

They both left a few seconds later, as Erno directed struggling and tussling Subaru towards the exit, nudging him to move forward.


	5. Beggining of an end

Subaru definitely underestimated his strength. He never expected the guy who looked like a defenseless pacifist at the first glance to restrain his movement without even the slightest problem. As his tossing and protesting proved to not faze him at all, the boy settled down and focused on observing his surrounding just a few moments after they exited the cell.

The brightly lit, seemingly endless hallway stretching in front of him was probably the last thing Subaru'd expected to see. From the beginning, he assumed he was underground, stored away in some kind of dungeon. What the boy found himself in, however, seemed to be a gorgeous mansion. The lightly colored walls were decorated with paintings depicting all kinds of spectacular sceneries. Through the enormous, arched windows one could view the stunning image of broad, well-kept gardens bathed in the glow of setting sun. Parquetry was covered with a soft carpet embroidered with an intricate web of lines and geometric shapes. Overall, despite the rich décor, space was mostly brimming with coziness and warmth.

Subaru was at loss for words. His eyes roamed around the place, trying to come up with something, anything that would explain the situation. Neither of this were making any sense and he wasn't sure how to deal with that fact.

"Where are we?" He finally asked, looking back at his captor. "What is this?"

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Erno didn't pay any mind to Subaru's question, seemingly talking to himself. As the boy gazed at him in confusion, the older male pointed to the window. "The view."

"Stop screwing around." Subaru didn't have the patience for this at the moment. "Where are we?"

"In our mansion." The man smiled, sinking in the view. Subsequently, he swiftly dodged Natsuki's head, as the latter attempted to headbutt him. "Be a little faster next time, and you might even have a chance to touch me."

Subaru sighed, turning his head towards the window. Erno was right - the view was completely incredible. So incredible, that an idea suddenly popped into the boy's mind. Seemingly focused on the sight in front of him, he watched his captor from the corner of his eye. It took few excruciatingly long seconds, but finally, he noticed the other relax slightly. This was his chance!  
...

As glass shards flew everywhere, Subaru's heart started to beat faster again. He did it - he successfully managed to throw himself out the window! For few seconds he felt as he was flying, suspended between life and death. And then he felt his spine crush on the impact.

Falling unconscious, he could hear himself giggle hoarsely with joy. It's finally over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is super short for the dramatic effect. And because here the story truly begins.


	6. Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the suffering begins.

"Wake up!"

He sprung into consciousness in mere seconds. His eyes snapped open in excitement, but…

"Wow, you're jumpy."

This wasn’t where he was supposed to be. It wasn't...

"I brought you some water to drink."

Subaru looked up at the similar figure. Finally, his sense of touch seemed to get back to him, as he was overwhelmed with sudden new (or old?) sensations. The metal around his wrists, hard floor under his knees, pain in his right arm, blood on his chin... it all appeared at once without any warning.

"What?" He mumbled practically silently. "No, this is wrong." Did he survive?

Something cold was pressed against his lips, but he didn't even flinch. His vacant eyes were turned towards the other, but it was evident he wasn't actually staring at him.

"Honestly, don't make me force it down your throat." Erno's tone of voice was slowly becoming more annoyed. "Just drink it."

Subaru didn't move. Scratch that, he couldn't move. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. He thought he was a goner for sure, heck, he could even hear the crack of his spine breaking. There was just no way. No fucking way.

Finally, the boy's gaze became focused again, as he glanced at the older male coldly.

"What did you do?"

"Huh?" Erno stepped away from him. "What do you mean?"

"Why am I not dead?" He was staring intently at the other, analyzing every slight change in his expression. "I heard my spine break in half, why am I not dead?"

"What are you talki...!" His captor seemed to suddenly grasp something. "Could it really be?"

Subaru was about to angrily repeat the question, but before he could, there was a hand on his chin, holding him firmly in place. Seconds after the familiar eyes were right in front of his face, piercing him with an intense gaze. The boy froze.

A loud laugh broke the silence so suddenly, that Subaru couldn't help himself but flinched. And then he noticed it.

The blue-haired man was staggering with laughter, seemingly unable to find any way to calm himself down. His body shook and at some point he even leaned against the wall, as he could no longer keep himself straight.

Subaru watched the scene unfolding in front of him with the mix of confusion and slowly developing rage.

"What's so funny?!" He asked impatiently when it started to seem the other wasn't planning to explain himself anytime soon. "Why are you laughing?!"

He didn't receive any answer for what felt like ages. He tried asking few more times before he gave up, deciding to just wait for the older male to calm down.

"Oh god, this is just too good." Finally, Erno seemed to catch his breath enough to be able to talk. "This is too brilliant." He flung his hands up in the air. "What did I do to deserve this blessing?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Okay, Subaru was getting seriously pissed off at this point. He didn't know how he survived, what was going on and why the other was laughing, and that was driving him crazy.

"Okay, okay." The older male at long last stood straight again, looking almost seriously at Subaru. "You did die."

"What?"

"You did manage to kill yourself."

This was wrong. He couldn't have killed himself. If he did, why would he be still here? Unless...

No. **NO.** Nonononononononono. This couldn't... Absolutely not, this was a lie. Subaru couldn't accept this explanation, he just couldn't. This... this was just a joke, right?

"You get it?" The voice awakened him from his train of thoughts, as the boy looked at its source. "This is your new safe spot!"

The thought he was so desperately attempting to avoid finally managed to penetrate his mind. His entire body shook at the wrongness of the idea. This horrible, awful idea. This obviously not accurate idea. This fallacious and deceptive idea.

The idea that he couldn't go back anymore.

"I know you don't wanna believe is, but it's true. I mean, just look at your body."

_My... body?_

His right arm was terribly bruised. There were countless bite-marks varied in color and size everywhere. A thin stream of dried blood also decorated his skin, but it wasn't nearly as big as Subaru knew it should be.

His entire body started trembling. When did this lump appear in his throat? His heart was beating so fast that if Natsuki had any thought to spare to it, he'd probably worry that it'd jump out of his chest. But his mind was gone by this point, replaced with just one word.

No

"No," he whispered, as his eyes turned weirdly wet.

"No," he said, as his wrists decided to clench on their own.

"No," he repeated, as his voice started to shake.

"No," he denied, as the air became almost too heavy to breathe in.

“No,” he answered, as the first salty drop reached the floor.

"No!" he yelled, as his vision became blurry.

"No!" he screamed, as static filled his ears.

"No!" he shrieked, as his muscles moved without his permission.

"No!" he lied, as he lashed forward.

"No!" he ordered, as his wrists cracked.

"No!" he begged, as the man turned away.

"No!" he asked, as he started moving.

"No!" he sobbed, as the door closed behind him.

.

.

.

.  
"No!" he cried, as he was left alone.


	7. Thirst

Never before he'd liked silence. Silence meant death and pain and being alone and he wasn't fond of any of them. But in these dire times, silence became some sort of rescue for the boy. It was a breath of release when his exhausted vocal cords finally gave up after hours of constant cursing, screaming and sobbing, because that’s when he, at last, had time – time to contemplate.

And there was a lot to think about, although Subaru would love to avoid the subjects his mind decided to explore. There were many questions he needed to answer. What now? What was he to do? Why did this happen? Was it really true? Should he try dying again? Could that fix anything?

But among these questions, there was the most important one, on which lied answers to every former.

Is Emilia dead?

After initial panic Subaru started to doubt that the solution was as obvious as it seemed at first. Yes, in the last timeline Emilia didn't manage to survive, but who could really say if it was the case in this one as well. Hypothetically, Natsuki's disappearance could've changed the course of history. Looking for him, Emilia could've avoided the dreadful fate assigned to her. Granted, the chance was less than slim and some probably would call believing in it a denial of undoubtable truth, but as long as it existed, Subaru had a reason to exist as well. He needed to get out of here, find Emilia and make sure she’s alright. But before that, there was one enormous obstacle he needed to overcome.

He had to escape from here alive somehow.

The only thing he could do was to wait. He thought about trying to kill himself to get as much time as possible to find (and maybe save) Emilia in the next timeline, but he decided it wasn’t worth it. No, he needed to direct his efforts towards formulating a plan. If it turns out that he’ll have to, he will kill himself after he escapes. It wouldn’t make any sense to waste so much time just to commit suicide, he had to get out.

Talking about escaping… he had no idea how to do it. In his last timeline all he relayed on was Return by death, he never thought he could get out of this predicament alive. This time he needed to focus, keep the damage to his body at the minimum and wait for the right occasion.

The more Subaru waited, the clearer it started to become that the fact that Erno knew of his new safe spot would be the prime issue. If he didn’t, he’d probably even risk Subaru escaping if it came to preserving him from dying. But now, when he knew that the boy already died once, he probably wouldn’t hesitate to stab a knife in his throat. And if that happened, Natsuki would be at the square one.

Thinking about it, how did the man learn about that fact? Subaru looked back at the confrontation, breaking through the memories of what happened after.

_I guess he must’ve read my memories, huh? But when? Hmm, I guess it must’ve happened after he saw I was acting so weird. Think, what did he do then?_

Eyes.

The answer hit Subaru like a speeding truck. Of course, he’d use his magic by gazing into his eyes. Thinking back, the boss did the same right before he proclaimed he was the person they were looking for.

As the boy pondered about his situation, he could feel himself becoming more and more thirsty. In the end, Erno didn’t give him any water or food, probably too distracted by what occurred. Well, Subaru just had to someone else to come and let him drink, he decided.

* * *

 

“Hello? Is anyone there?!” His voice was incredibly hoarse.“What, are you too scared of me?!” He yelled as loud as he could.

_Shit, why’s no one here?_

He wanted to call out again, but his words stuck in his throat, as he was caught in a violent coughing fit. Subaru only managed to stop it as he focused entirely on controlling his breathing. In and out, in and out, in and out.

He was so fatigued. He’s passed out a few times already, waiting for someone to come. But no one did. Silence transformed into agony yet again, he was faced with awful reality.

He was left to die.

Why hadn’t he thought of this before? They had no deal in keeping him alive anymore now when his death didn’t pose any thread.

Subaru curled into himself as much as he could, his breath turning shaky. This was bad. Awfully bad. How could he do anything left alone like this? And then he realized something even worse.

“I’m stuck.” He whispered to himself, almost silently. “If they decide to keep letting me die, I’ll be stuck like this forever.” His breath hitched. “Endless deaths of thirst.”

He felt his frail body relax. Ah, he must’ve been on the edge. He was too tired to even panic properly anymore. His limbs… his throat… his eyes… his heart… very part of him was slowly turning useless.

“Hey, don’t die yet.”

He only heard the familiar voice when it was just next to him. He didn’t notice anyone entering, his useless brain not registering the change of lighting or sound of footsteps. And now his useless neck refused to let him look up.

“I have a favor I need to ask you.” Subaru felt his chin being grabbed, and his head straightened. Was it his rescue? Yes, of course, Erno wouldn’t let him die, he was too nice. “Look at this.”

It was hard for Subaru to focus his eyes, but when he finally did he saw a piece of paper covered in writing in front of him.

“Look closely.”

Subaru really did. His eyes roamed through the letters, trying to find some kind of meaning in them. But whether his mind was too tired or the language used was not a one he knew, he couldn’t grasp what was in front of him.

“Don’t forget what I showed you.”

Subaru couldn’t acknowledge that in any way. He couldn’t ask for water or try to find out whatever it all meant. And when his chin was lowered again, all he could do was to force his eyes to look up. But when they finally did… Subaru was already alone again.


	8. The knife and the fork

"Wake up!"

Abruptly, Subaru sprung into consciousness. He shuddered as his lungs filled with air. Feeling of salvia in his mouth, so trivial for most, mode his mind quiver with something akin to joy.

"Wow, you're jumpy."

He wiggled his fingers the clenching them into fists. God, it felt so splendid to be able to move his body again.

"I brought you some water to drink."

Subaru looked up at the similar finger. Feelings of hate and relief battled, conflicted in his mind. Finally, relief won.

"Thanks, I’m really thirsty." He tried to sound as nice as possible. All he wanted now was the feeling of that glorious substance on his tongue. Everything else could wait.

As the cold rim of the pitcher touched his lips, he parted them immediately, drinking eagerly what was offered to him.

"Wow, you weren’t lying. Calm down a little, no need to hurry." Erno seemed a bit confused by his willingness, so Subaru slowed down a little. "Huh, you really have some perseverance."

The boy looked up flustered, just to see the man stare at his arm. Right, he was trying to bleed to death, wasn’t he? Suddenly, he felt a short pain burn the bloodied spot.

"What did you…" Ah, right, he disinfected it.

"Just disinfected it, that’s all." Erno smirked at him. "We really can't have you dying, you know?" He turned around for a second.

Subaru took this brief moment to recollect his thoughts. What was his strategy again? Well, first and foremost – he can’t let Erno read his memories and learn of his new spot. Yes, that’s crucial. To achieve that he must do two things – don’t bring any suspicions and not let the older male look into his eyes. If he managed that his chances of getting out would increase significantly.

Yet again Subaru was met with the small bowl of rice, but this time he didn’t oppose to consuming it, trying to act normal and stare only at the food as he ate. Neither of them said anything during the process. Subaru didn’t want to risk looking up, so he had no idea if the other was paying attention to him, at least not until he felt that intense gaze on himself again.

"You’ve been awfully compliant." He heard Erno chuckle above him. "It’s almost no fun to take care of a captive like that."

Subaru kept his eyes locked on the floor and nodded. _Please, just leave. Let me get on that first timeline and just leave._

"I guess you’re just tired, right?"

"Yeah. I couldn’t sleep at all." He nodded again.

"Well, I can help you with that."

The boy felt a grip on his chin again. As it was lifted up, he closed his eyes. There was no way he’d let himself be caught off guard, this was just too important.

But then it happened. Suddenly, something hot was way too close to his face. He couldn’t help his instincts, he panicked. He had to open them for just a second. That second, however, was all that it took.

He should’ve guessed it was just Erno’s face in front of him. But when his eyes met the silent gaze of the other, it was too late. As Subaru closed them again, shaking his head away, the older male stumbled back.

"What?" The boy heard from above him, but he didn’t look. Of course, deep inside he knew it was too late, but he wanted to do this just in case. It wasn’t given to him, however.

Seconds later Erno was all over him, grabbing his chin tightly and pulling his head back up again.

"Look at me." Subaru kept his eyes closed. "Look at me or I’ll cut off your eyelids, goddamit."

This was… different, the boy noticed. Last time the other just laughed at the situation, not upset like now. Well, it seemed important enough that Subaru decided to not give in to the threats, keeping his eyes closed.

"Fucking hell." The other swore under his breath, but a few seconds later he seemingly relaxed. He stepped away again, but he was back only a few seconds later. "Open your eyes or she dies."

This seemed to finally work on Subaru, as he opened his eyes, still keeping them down, however. But even in this position, he managed to see it. There, on the other’s extended hand was laying something he knew all too well.

_Emilia’s hairpin._

He felt his lungs burn with rage.

"What did you do to her?" He asked, trying to keep his voice as natural as possible. His eyes started filling with salty tears.

"Look at me and you’ll find out."

Subaru did. What other option did he really have? But when his eyes met with the other’s sight, something new happened. His mind filled with images. There were so many of them he felt panic fill his chest. What the hell was going on? Was this some kind of a spell?

And then he recognized it.

He didn’t scream. He didn’t make any noise. He just sat there, numb, as he felt a hand on his head.

"You can’t save her" The voice was so close to him, almost as if it was coming from his own head. It was tender but also filled with spite and satisfaction. The hand on his head moved, ruffling his messy hair. "cause she’s already dead."

* * *

He ddidn't know how much time he spent like this. He was numb. Even more than when he saw the village burn. Even more than when he froze to death. Even more than when Rem died in front of him. Even more than when he killed Emilia with his words. No, this numbness couldn’t compare. His body stood still, his eyes staring into nothingness. He couldn’t feel the pain of his limbs or thirst in his throat. He could no longer feel the tears streaming down his eyes or the snot dripping down his chin. His mind was completely blank.

"Thanks."

He didn’t move. Couldn’t move. Everything was still, the fog too deep to penetrate.

"Your info helped me a lot. I mean not yours, but I could get it thanks to you."

Nothing mattered. Nothing was important.

"Thanks to that I could finally repay my debt and leave."

Emptiness. He is empty. There is nothing inside him, absolutely nothing.

"Of course it’d be all for nothing if you died now, so I guess I gotta keep you alive."

He wished he could die. Why did suffering refuse to end?

"God, you’re so boring like this."

He’s asleep. He’s asleep, and he’ll never wake up again.

"I’m honestly somewhat surprised. I thought you’d want to avenge her. After all, isn’t it her killer standing in front of you."

These words were like a sword, cutting through the fog. Subaru flinched.

"She screamed, you know? In pain."

His heart moved. He flinched yet again, as if slowly waking up from a deep sleep.

"After all, we had to make an example out of her. I personally had to take care of overseeing that."

The curtain finally fell, as Subaru’s consciousness came back to him in one moment. He jumped towards the man, briefly noticing his hands were free.

"You finally woke up, huh?” The other said, dodging his fists. Subaru tried to jump at him again. Rage boiled in him and all he wanted to tear that man… that monster to shreds. But before he could do that he stumbled, his head spinning. He noticed that he wasn’t in the same cell. And then he was on the floor.

"You’re really weak, you haven’t eaten in days." He heard him chuckle. Seconds after that there was something on his chest as he felt breath being squished out of him. "You pose no threat to me. You’re so useless. You can’t save anyone." There were hands on his throat, adding to the choking sensation. "It’ll be a lot of fun playing with you."

Subaru passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm so sorry for this chapter being so messy, but this is the last chapter of "introduction" to the story, so to say. Everything from now on is the meat of the story, the real deal. Please keep in mind that from now on the story will become a bit more gruesome and will focus even more on Subaru's suffering. This is the last warning.


	9. The meat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, yes, it's me, trash.

"I lied. I never even met her."

Huh?

"I mean that girl that you care about. I never met her, I don't know if she's alive or not."

**HUH?**

"We found that flowery hair thing on you, actually. She probably slipped it into your bag for good luck or something."

These were the words Subaru awoke to. Or was he still dreaming?

“What is this? Why are you saying this?”

"I'm serious. The images you saw when I looked at you - I fabricated them all."

He felt confused. This wasn't making any sense. He didn't know how to feel at all.

"Why would you lie about something like that?" Subaru finally stuttered. He still wasn't entirely sure what to think about all this. Was that really possible? Thinking back, the images… they never actually showed Emilia’s face. And they were really, really blurry.

"For fun, of course. Plus, I was mad that you weren't letting me check your memories thoughtfully."

"What the fuck is wrong with you." Tears started streaming down his face. He wasn't sure what emotion was behind them, all he was sure that they were warm, salty and so incredibly therapeutic. "I... I hate you. I'll kill you for saying that."

"Yeah, I know." The other was completely unfazed by those words. Setting the tray down on the table, he sat on one of the chairs, looking at the Subaru with a smile. "You're not the first one who promised me that."

_Wait, a tray? Table, chairs?_

He looked around, trying to keep somewhat calm. He seemed to be in a normal room, laying on a bed. The space wasn't anything fancy, very akin to his room back at the mansion. It was rather small, filled only with a bed he was currently laying on, a rustic table with two chairs and a wardrobe. Satisfied with the scan, Subaru switched his attention to himself. He was still restrained, but he had a lot more freedom. His ankles and wrists were cuffed fairly comfortably. If he genuinely tried, he could probably even get up and walk around the room.

"Anyway, I brought you some food." Erno reached for the tray, picking up a dish and handing it to stunned Subaru. "And if decide to keep quiet and eat it, I’m inclined to explain everything to you.” He grinned.

Subaru glanced at the dish and then back at the man, nodding slowly.

"So, first thing first – my name is Aron, not Erno. I prefer changing it a bit since I am somewhat well-known where I’m from.”

Eating slowly, Subaru nodded. As much as his heart was filled with hate for that man, he was stumbling in the dark for quite a while now so he desperately needed to learn as much as he could.

“I also lied about my connection to the organization you were kidnapped for. I’m not actually a member.” He sighed. “In all honesty, I was just in debt with them, so I offered to help with your case.”

“My case?” Subaru asked, slurping ramen.

“My mission was very simple – keep you from killing yourself. But I guess I must’ve failed since you did die.” A wide smile spread on his face. “But this only worked out great, apparently.”

The boy looked up, questioningly. Vaguely, he could remember someone (probably ~~Erno~~ Aron) thanking him for providing information. Was he talking about this?

“See, a few days after you were captured, the organization was attacked. Many people died and headquarters had fallen. Or at least that’s the message I sent myself through you.”

“So that note you showed me when I was dying..?” Gears in Subaru’s mind were slowly starting to turn.

“Yes, it was a warning about the attack. Thanks to it we managed to prevent countless deaths on our side and…”

“And you paid your debt, right?” Subaru interrupted him. “Yeah, I guess I understand now.” The boy finally finished eating. Candidly, he was incredibly astonished by how calm he was. _Remember, you are still a prisoner. This person left you to starve to death and lied about Emilia._

“After that, I was excused. I asked them what they were planning to do with you as well and they said they’d just keep you a prisoner till they’d think it was mandatory. And I, well… I urged them to allow me to take you with me as well.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because you’re a valuable asset. You must understand, I never told them I sent the message through you. In their eyes, you became something of deadwood, a prisoner they’d have to take care of basically for the rest of your life. I doubt it would be very pleasant.” He smiled. “I just said I’d take that deadwood from them. It was honestly really easy.”

“If you expect me to be grateful for that you’re way in over your head.” Subaru shrugged. He wasn’t entirely stupid, he knew that Aron was just trying to get him on his side.

“Heh, of course I don’t expect that. I don’t require your cooperation to transmit messages in the past through you.”

Subaru gritted his teeth.

“Plus, breaking you in sounds a lot more fun than just having you grateful.”

“What?” The boy felt confused. “What do you mean by that?”

At that exact moment, something bad started happening to Subaru. Suddenly, the air around him became very humid, as if made of cotton. It was so hard to breathe that for a moment he thought he was being choked before he finally managed to achieve a slow rhythm of inhaling and exhaling.

“What’s going o…?” As he said it, he felt his muscles relax. His previous sitting position became impossible to keep and a few seconds later he was laying down uncomfortably, trying desperately to turn his head to face the older male. He attempted to speak as well, but his tongue grew too heavy in his throat.

And then the worst happened. Gradually, the heat of fiery flames started consuming his body. At first, Subaru felt like he was really burning, his skin practically hurting from the heat, but slowly, incredibly slowly, the pain was beginning to transform into something entirely different. He lost his rhythm of breaths again and started panicking, as his entire body, every part of him, began burning with need. He didn’t know what that need was, but he knew that if it wasn’t satisfied soon, he’d go insane.

When something brushed his skin, his breath hitched in his throat. Slowly, incredibly slowly he managed to turn his head.

“You’re so cute.” Aron whispered, stroking his shoulder.

Realizing that it was the man touching him made Subaru almost shiver with disgust. Almost, because his mind melted temporarily when the other moved his hand a bit, touching his exposed neck.

“I drugged your food.” The boy was barely able to register these words, as Aron traveled further up, placing one of his fingers on his lips, partying them without even the slightest issue. “The plant I mixed in is really powerful. You won’t be able to move at all for at least couple of hours.” Subaru couldn’t focus anymore, as the first hand was joined by the other, this one resting comfortably on his chest. “But it wasn’t just one thing I mixed in.” The hand moved down his bare torso (how did he not notice that he wasn’t wearing a shirt before?) making Natsuki tremble. Deep in his mind something was telling him that this wasn’t okay, that something was terribly wrong, but that voice was easily overpowered by the incredible sensation of something grazing over his nipple. It made his body feel even hotter and his mind even meltier. “I also added a strong aphrodisiac.”


	10. Fight or flight

Subaru unquestionably wasn’t the smartest person. He’d often act rush, without thinking about the consequences of his actions. Still, in the end, with the help of his friend, he would always come through and make the right decision.

Subaru wasn’t the boldest man. Thought of death was always terrifying to him, no matter how many times he faced it. Still, in the end, he never abandoned his friends, never gave up and gave into the despair.

Subaru wasn’t the most righteous hero. He was selfish, even toxic. Still, in the end, he always strived to become better, to be the best Subaru he could ever be.

Neither of this, however, was present in the Subaru that was lying on the bed, hopeless and full of desire. His rationale taken the back seat. Somehow, he was reduced to a mere viewer of the movie called “His life.” And the wickedest thing about it was that when it ended, he could remember everything.

* * *

 

Subaru felt absolutely disgusted. Every fiber of his being wanted to puke, maybe hoping this could help him redeem himself in his own eyes. Of course, he knew it wasn't his fault. He didn't permit it to happen to him, he couldn't do anything to resist because he was drugged against his will. Yet, he couldn't entirely shake the feeling that he was partly to blame. He ate the food without questioning it and then he enjoyed what was done to him.

 _No, it's not your fault, it was all aphrodisiac, you didn't do anything wrong_ his consciousness screamed, but he wasn't entirely confident if he should take it as truth instead of as an excuse, especially because the reminiscences of heat were still radiating in his body.

He was lying down, mostly unable to move. Subaru didn't know how much time passed since Aron finally left after toying with his aroused body for what felt like hours, until he eventually offered him some release. The drug had been wearing off slowly since then and Natsuki could almost turn from side to side by now. Unfortunately, his mind also became a lot clearer, helping him realize what had happened and feel the full extent of guilt that was present only deep inside before.

When he closed his eyes, he could even now feel brushes of the other man's fingers, ~~so good~~ on his skin. Natsuki hated that fact, hated that his body was still warm and needy and that if Aron was still there, he would probably give into his teasing easily. But the older male wasn't there, so Subaru decided to focus on something important and not let himself get lost in his need.

The boy felt rather hopeless. Fear of the man grew tenfold after the violation experienced from his hands. He definitely didn't want to endure anything similar again ( ~~ _but it felt so good._~~ ) He wasn't sure what route of actions he should take, however. Should he try to kill himself? It didn't sound like a good idea. There was no way of knowing if he could escape this time and if he didn't manage to accomplish that, he most likely would have to go through this hell again and that was something he was terribly afraid of. However, the only other option was to find a way out of here and Subaru didn't have even a single clue on how to accomplish that.

He glanced around the room yet again, scanning it for anything that could help him in making his escape. He didn’t know what the insides of the wardrobe consisted of, but he hoped to find something to use as a weapon there. If he couldn’t, the only other items he could defend himself with would be a chair or his own handcuffs. But could he really overpower the older male in a battle? Subaru shook his head. No, his body was too weak. His only chance would be a surprise attack, something the other wouldn’t suspect.

But maybe he wouldn’t have to fight at all? After all, there was a window in this room, something he could easily sneak out of. Although he didn’t know how high above the ground he was yet, this seemed to be the best option, so, for now, he decided to plan his escaped based on that.

At some point when he was still deep in his thoughts, the drug immobilizing him finally wore off. It took Subaru a while to realize that, but when he finally did, he immediately sat up, sliding to the side of the bed. It wasn’t given to him to stand up, however.

_Huh?_

The chain attached to his left ankle clinked, as Subaru placed his feet on the wooden floor. Noticing it, he swore under his breath. Of course he wouldn’t be given that much freedom. Escaping could be a lot harder than he expected with this development.

He refused to give up yet, inspecting the chain. One end of it was clasped around his left ankle, separate from the cuffs that were clutching his legs together. The other run on the floor, connected to the wall just above its surface, behind the bed. The boy tried to experimentally pull on it. Then he kicked the wall it was attached to. Then he tried striking it with the chair. Neither of these actions brought any results, however.

Natsuki briefly considered if he could get free by breaking his leg. The clasp was very tight, however, and he was pretty confident that even with a shuttered ankle would have a hard time getting it off. Plus, he wasn’t even sure he knew how he could break it to begin with.

With the chain around his leg, Subaru had a rather limited field of maneuver. He couldn’t reach either window or the wardrobe, left able to interact only with the bed, table, and chairs. This was disappointing.

Left with nothing better to do at the moment, the boy decided to work out a little. Sitting on the chair, he did some bending exercises, reaching his feet and then straightening himself. He worked on his breath as well, finally feeling some flow of energy in his body. It was an honest miracle that he could still move this fine after being left stagnant for so long ( _it wasn’t this long, you just died a few times_ he reminded himself.)

Natsuki was finally starting to feel a tiny bit better after what happened when he heard the door opening. Immediately his whole body tensed up, assuming fight or flight position. Urge to puke came back, as he recognized the familiar figure in the doorstep.

“How are you doi…!” Aron stopped for a moment, seemingly surprised to see Subaru up. “Oh, you’re already able to move again, nice.” He promptly got over his astonishment, putting the smile on his face.

“Don’t come any closer, or I’ll swear I’ll kill you.” Subaru wasn’t interested in playing any games.

“You’re so cute when you’re frightened.” The other didn’t seem to pay any mind to the threat, leaning on the doorframe with a smug expression. “And how are you planning to kill me, if I might ask?”

“It doesn’t matter how, I’ll do it with my bare hands if I’ll have to.” He decided to focus only on keeping distance. He knew there was no way he could win in a fight while being restrained like that. Nevertheless, he kept the determined expression on his face, trying to sound as intimidating as possible.

“Oh, so scary.” Aron pretended to be frightened, covering his face with his forearm. “I guess I just have to abandon you like that until you die then, as dying would be most unfortunate for me.”

“Then leave me. I don’t care if I die, I don’t want you anywhere close.” Subaru was almost honest in these words. Of course he was scared of death, but it was something he could deal with… he had dealt with in the past. Being drugged and molested was not.

“If you hate me that much, we surely can arrange something. For example, when you die, me in the past might just leave you to starve. And then again, and again, and again, and again. Endless deaths with no way to escape, doesn’t that sounds fun?”

“It sounds like a lot more fun than being mol… than being drugged by some weirdo who likes to touch kids.” To be honest, he didn’t have a plan at all. He felt almost stuck, as if wherever he turned the only thing he could find were closed doors. But giving up wasn’t an option, he decided. No, he had to defend himself no matter the cost.

“Still salty over that, huh?” Aron raised his brow. “Didn’t you enjoy it? I mean, if you didn’t want it you could’ve just told me to stop.”

 _I was too drugged to talk_ he wanted to scream, but stopped himself. No, he needed to remain calm and not give into his words. Composure was the thing that would preserve him in this situation, he didn’t doubt that.

“You **raped** me.”

“You can call it that if you want,” Aron said, stepping just a tiny bit closer.

“Stay back!” Subaru warned, retreating as far away as he possibly could. The man looked down at him.

“If you ask me nicely, I even might.” He grinned, taking another step. “Actually, if you ask me nicely, I will leave you to try your escapes or whatnot for 24 hours, without any interruptions.”

“Yeah, as I’d believe you.” Subaru hated how much fear there was in his voice, how his breath hitched.

“Do you have any other choice? I promise that if you don’t ask nicely, I will pin you down the bed and have my way with you for as long as I want right now” Another step closer made Subaru shudder. “Do you not want to even try to avoid that?

The boy swallowed loudly. This was really bad. He was like a cornered animal, without any route of escape or chance that he could win in a fight. Did he really have no other options?

“Please, leave me alone.” He finally stuttered through clenched teeth, looking to the side.

“Oh, come on, this was nice at all.”

Another step made Natsuki jump. He took a deep breath.

“Please, Aron, leave me alone so I can rest.” He kept the tone of his voice between hateful and sweet, so in the end it sounded rather spiteful. After a few seconds of tense silence, he added another “please”, this time in a bit nicer tone.

“See, wasn’t this just the easiest thing ever.” The man said, smiling widely. He slowly started stepping away from Subaru without turning around.

The boy let himself breathe out a little only as the other finally reached the door. His heart was still thumping incredibly loudly in his chest, but he decided to ignore it for now.

“I hope you’ll have fun time escaping. And if you won’t until I get back, you’ll at least have some great attack to surprise me with.” Aron wished him, finally stepping out and closing the door behind himself.

Subaru, at last, relaxed, leaning against the nearest wall in exhaustion. He wasn’t sure if the situation ended better or worse than he expected. Nonetheless, there was only one thing he should focus on now – escape. He had 24 hours to come up and follow a plan of getting out of here. He clenched his fist. He wouldn’t let himself fail this time.


End file.
